Estella Lozano
When I was six years old I heard a bullet for the first time. I remember feeling terrified and helpless; I had no idea what was going on. Shootings are something that many people go through life without knowing. Unfortunately, by the time I was seven I was used to the shootings and other violence that surrounded me and my family. When I was seven my parents decided to move us to San José to escape the violence. In my neighborhood in LA, people would be selling drugs or drinking on the streets. When we first came to San José we had no house of our own. We had to stay with my aunts in one house with three bedrooms. In one room were my aunt Mago and her husband and son. In another room was my other aunt Lola with her husband and her four children. In the smallest room, I lived with both of my parents and my four siblings. By the time I was ten years old my family was able to move out on our own. We rented a house that was only one bedroom for all seven of us together. We were all crowed in the tiny house we lived in and didn’t have much.
We now live in a three bedroom house. It has a little more room, but now we have even more people living with us. I share a room with my sister and my mom. My dad has to sleep on the couch in the living room. There are a total of ten people living in the house. My time at my house is always loud because all of the children running around. I can’t do my homework in my room because my mom needs to go to sleep very early because she starts work at five in the morning. My mother is a janitor at Cisco and she has been there for eleven years. She ends work around twelve and she always is tired and her shoulder hurts because of the labor intensive work she must do each day. Most of the times I do my school work in the living room with everyone around. Every day I feel overwhelmed because I can’t concentrate due to the constant chaos in my house. Sometimes I wonder even though I still get 3.0 constantly. Maybe without the distraction I can have better grades.
My dad has been laid off for over a year and is on unemployment for the whole time. For extra money my dad goes on Thursday, Friday, and the weekends to the flea market. Sometimes I would go with him to keep an eye on things when he has to go do something else. Unfortunately, he hasn’t been able to get a job since he has been laid off due to the economic crisis our country is facing. On the other hand, this is a struggle in our family but we still continue our days as a relaxed family. Ever since I could remember when we would go shopping we would have to wait for my mom to get her check and we would only buy items on clearance. I have learned that I am not going to get everything I want. I do see people that get whatever they want by their parents and I see what kind of ungrateful person they are. I am very thankful for everything my parents do give me and I appreciate it because I know my parents work really hard for it.
My parents treat me in a matter that forces me to become independent. I notice that their behavior towards me has made me the strong person I am today. The truth is that my parents focus more on my younger sister because she gets into trouble and doesn’t have good grades. Their next line of focus is on my older brother because he just got accepted to San José State University for next fall. They want to help him so they just put me to the side. They see that I’m doing okay on my own and are okay with me doing pretty well in school. I realize that I don’t want to be decent; I want something better that can make me extraordinary.
I have seen the life my parents have been through without education and I don’t want that for my life. I want the satisfaction that I was able to do something in my life and not be another stereotype of a Mexican. In addition to overcoming the financial struggle and ethnic stereotypes that I face, I have another obstacle standing between me and college. I know my mother really does love me but sometimes she says things that put me down. The things she says to me make me doubt my abilities to success in college. The major thing my mom says to me is that I’m going to become like my older sister. My older sister doesn’t have a job and has a child. I really do believe that my parents care about me deep in their heart but it really hurts that they would put me down. It’s hard to keep on going that I might not have a family to truly support me. At least I know I have myself to know that whatever I want to do I can make it a reality with hard work and really the motivation that I have.